Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Frustrated

Tonight was the night that I had to play for the Ash Wednesday service. I practiced and practiced and practiced. I practiced both the hard and easy version of the songs. Yesterday I admitted to myself that I will have to stick to the easy version (mind you I have only recently started playing the harp, although I did briefly when I was a fourth grader). I was OK with that. I felt like I had it down pretty well and could even add some musical interpretation :-). Of course, this was all in our living room. In our living room, anything is possible. Including me thinking I could play the harp. Obviously, reality is a different matter. Flashes to my horrible childhood piano recitals kept flashing through my mind. I ALWAYS froze. No matter how well I knew the piece, I always performed poorly with an audience. The only instrument I can half way play in front of people is the clarinet and that is only because I have been playing it for fifteen years. Well tonight was no different. Thankfully I was in the balcony and nobody could see me. After a rough start, I did manage to get the song out. Pathetically, I ended up playing with just one hand. I could blame the chair(it was too high) or the mic(it didn't turn on right away), but really, it was just nerves. I am so mad and disappointed in myself. I KNOW that song. I know how to play it with both hands. I feel like everybody was just wondering why I lugged that harp there only to play like a five year-old. People were nice - but is a church, of course they are going to be kind. I am just so frustrated.

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